So Okay

I was going to just not say anything.

That was my whole plan, actually.

It was a pretty good plan.

You make it hard to have a plan.

I think about you with someone else

and I just, I don't know, I make coffee.

I do the dishes. I look out the window for a while.

It doesn't help that much.

You said some patience

and I said okay, yeah, that makes sense,

and I meant it,

and then I went home and sat on the floor for a while.

No Drama, Just. The floor.

I keep thinking about that one afternoon,

I don't even remember what we were talking about,

something stupid probably,

and you laughed at something I said

and looked at me like,

like I was,

I don't know.

You looked at me like that.

And I think about your hands.

Is that weird, I think about your hands a lot.

The way you talk with them.

The way you go quiet sometimes mid-sentence

like you caught yourself

about to say something true.

I want to know what that was every time.

Some distance.

I've been measuring it.

It's longer some days than others.

Some days it's just the space between my phone

and whether or not I text you.

Some days it's enormous.

I don't even know what I want you to say.

I think I just want you to,

I want you to remember it too.

The afternoon. The warmth of our conversations.The look.

All of it.

I want it to have meant the same thing

in your chest

that it meant in mine.

Because I'm still here.

Doing completely normal things.

Thinking about you with this,

this very inconvenient amount of feeling

that has nowhere to go right now.

Some patience, you said.

Okay.

I'm just,

I'm still here.

Whenever.